Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I think I’ll stand
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.