Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
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Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”