[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
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as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment