I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Just say no
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.