I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
also my go-to takeaway order
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Worst bar ever.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.