The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Home is where your toilet is.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.