Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
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I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
#DesignFail
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.