It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
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[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020