I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
some cats are just doing for fun!
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”