That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
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Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.