A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
You Might Also Like
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
What
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.