I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
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If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”