In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
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Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils