Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
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H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!