Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.