[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
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You got this…
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
*orders delivery*
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.