GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
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Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
plums roundup
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML