if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
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I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
wishing you and yours all the best
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.