For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
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ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Hello Twits.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw