Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Bring back the McRib
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”