my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
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My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
when nothing goes right… go left
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft