*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
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Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
grotesque if literal: baby food
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine