Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
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me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
A fake ID that makes you younger
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
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The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules