what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
You Might Also Like
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
jesus christ confetti not now
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
The booster protects against what, now?
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no