I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
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[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”