I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
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Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
2022: I can fix it
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*