“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
You Might Also Like
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.