Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.