“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
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I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
They’re really bad with fonts.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.