I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point