Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
You Might Also Like
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
This has made my week.