Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
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In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson