my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
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[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]