the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
we’re dead?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
I am HOWLING at this
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan