Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
We found love in a hopeless place.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR