Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
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My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*