[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
If only.
#Caturday
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]