Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
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My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
My neck, my back, my…
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him