My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
You Might Also Like
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.