Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
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My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.