I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
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Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
getting groceries
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills