Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
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Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂