me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
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I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
What number SPF blocks people?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
CRYING
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy