I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling