The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
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Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress