Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
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Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Alarms are for people without children or puppies