Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!