Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
the best thing i’ve ever made
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.