“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
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Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
get you a girl who
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.