I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
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Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Why is this me 😫
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.